Hello, friends! This holiday season, it’s important to remember all the wonderful people in your life who have been good to you in 2016.
But it’s also important to remember those bastards and jerks who’ve lied, cheated, swindled, insulted, extorted and otherwise tried to crap all over you in 2016. And Big Coal will be there to help you express your true feelings…
…for the CEO who cancels employee bonuses except for the senior executive staff.
…for candidates who hitch their wagons to white supremacy and hatred of “the other” while condoning violence, intimidation, and misinformation to win elections.
…for the governors and legislatures who accept bribes from billionaires in exchange for dismantling unions and environmental laws, stomping on voters’ rights, treating women and minorities like dirt, and setting fire to social safety nets.
…for the neighbor who backed over your posies last summer and then denied it, even though the tire marks in your garden matched his F-150’s.
…for your uncle who still sends you birther emails and sees ISIS infiltrators behind every tree.
everyone on your list who tried to make life miserable this year, there’s only one holiday gift you can rely on to adequately say, “Suck on this, ya big jerk.” So call now and order a heapin’ helpin’ of 100 PERCENT PURE COAL.
One glance at that lump of bituminous blackness in their stocking and they’ll get your message loud and clear. Available in lignite, flame coal, gas coal, anthracite, coke and, for those really nasty peckerheads, coal ash slurry. Order today and get FREE shipping!
Coal: when you’re pissed-off enough to send the very worst, but you draw the line at flaming dog poop.