My friends told me not to approach the dog. They told me the dog was not to be trusted. And yes, the dog had big teeth. Big teeth and a snarl. And some sort of foamy drool dripping from its mouth. But I thought, “This dog looks lost. It needs a home. And really, I like this dog’s honesty. It’s not trying to hide the fact that it has sharp, deadly teeth, or that it is ill, or that it is consumed with rage. That’s refreshing.”

My friends weren’t buying it. They were all “Uh, actually, that dog might be a wolf. The head, the eyes, the fur, the overall body size – yes, definitely, that is a wolf. Oh my god, dude, absolutely do not get anywhere near that wolf.”

Suddenly my friends are a bunch of wolf experts? You know what they aren’t experts in? China’s currency manipulation. Border security. America’s crumbling military.

They pointed to the sticky red tracks it was leaving on the ground. “There’s literally a blood trail. It probably just killed and ate something. Or someone. Please stay away from it.”

They saw a monster, but I saw a dog that wasn’t afraid to get the job done. I approached it slowly to gain its trust. I gently slipped the collar around its neck. I carefully attached the leash. And then I led it home.

And OK, yeah – the first thing it did when it walked through my front door was viciously maul my wife. That wasn’t a great start. I’ll concede that point. And then it turned on my young daughter. And yeah, that was a savage, relentless attack. The screams were something I’ll never forget for as long as I live. And while I tended to the two of them, my new dog raced around the house, pissing in every room and gnawing and tearing at random things. It seemed hell-bent on making my home unlivable, and I was powerless to stop it. Just extraordinary, really, the swiftness and brutality of its rage-fueled rampage. My life won’t ever be the same, that’s for sure. But when you decide to be a pet owner, there are bound to be some bumps along the road. That’s just part of the pet experience.

Update: Long story short, the genetic tests came back, and it turns out my dog really is a wolf. So that’s on me, OK? I’m owning that. And my wife and daughter no longer live here – they need a level of round-the-clock care that I just don’t have the training to provide. So that’s unfortunate. But guys, I’m still giving my new wolf the benefit of the doubt. For an outsider, it’s done a pretty good job of acclimating to life in my home. Sure, I’m dealing with the occasional shit stains, a lot of howling, and also it bit me again just this morning. And yeah, it won’t play fetch, and I’ve had to undergo a grueling regimen of rabies shots in my stomach, and it seems to hate people in general.

But ultimately what I’m trying to say is that adopting this rabid wolf wasn’t a mistake. I mean, a friend of mine adopted a Bulldog, and it has hip dysplasia. Can you even imagine?




A Handy Guide to Orange Accountability 

Remember when the so-called President said he was going to donate his salary? Well, he just accepted his second paycheck.

Remember when he said Mexico was going to pay for the wall? He has asked Congress to appropriate the $25 billion of taxpayer money to cover costs.

Remember when he said he was going to divest from his businesses? Changed his mind.

Remember when he said he was going to release his tax returns? Changed his mind.

Remember when he said he wasn’t going to go on vacation or play golf? 5 of the last 7 weekends he went on vacation and played golf, costing taxpayers $11.1 million.

Remember when he said he was going to use American steel to build these dangerous pipelines? Russian steel arrived last week for the Keystone Pipeline XL.

Remember when he said would defeat ISIS in 30 days? He still doesn’t even have a plan.

Remember when he said he was going to appropriate money to HBCUs? He lied to get a photo-op.

Remember when he said he was going to drain the swamp of Washington insiders? His cabinet is filled with lobbyists, oil and Wall Street executives, including a half dozen Goldman Sachs execs.

Remember when he said he wasn’t going to cut social security and Medicare? The Republican bill does just this.

Remember when he said that nobody on his campaign has any communications with Russian govt? 7 of his people have now admitted they spoke and/or met with Russian officials, AFTER they lied and got caught.

Remember when he said that the Obamacare replacement would cover more people at lower cost? The AHCA that the GOP and 45 are now pushing; they now admit will cover fewer people at a higher cost.

[Keep this list handy and add to it daily to remember what a liar this so-called president, the loser of the popular vote, truly is.]  —Thanx to Dean Seal for providing this reminder

And Jesus Said Unto Paul of Ryan…

paul of ryan.jpgA woman who had been bleeding for 12 years came up behind Jesus and touched his clothes in hope of a cure. Jesus turned to her and said: “Fear not. Because of your faith, you are now healed.”

Then spoke Pious Paul of Ryan: “But teacher, is that wise? When you cure her, she learns dependency. Then the poor won’t take care of themselves, knowing that you’ll always bail them out! You must teach them personal responsibility!”

They were interrupted by 10 lepers who stood at a distance and shouted, “Jesus, have pity on us.”

“NO!” shouted Pious Paul. “Jesus! You don’t have time. We have a cocktail party fund-raiser in the temple. And don’t worry about them — they’ve already got health care access.” Jesus turned to Pious Paul, puzzled. “Why, they can pray for a cure,” Pious Paul explained. “I call that universal health care access.”

Jesus turned to the 10 lepers. “Rise and go,” he told them. “Your faith has made you well.” Then he turned back to Pious Paul, saying, “Let me tell you the story of the good Samaritan. A man was attacked by robbers who stripped him of clothes, beat him and left him half dead. A minister passed down this same road, and when he saw the injured man, he crossed to the other side and hurried on. So did a rich man who claimed to serve God. But then a despised Samaritan came by and took pity on the injured man. He bandaged his wounds and put the man on his own donkey and paid an innkeeper to nurse him to health. So which of these three should we follow?”

“Those who had mercy on him,” Pious Paul said promptly.

Jesus nodded. “So go ——”

“I mean the first two,” Pious Paul interjected. “For the Samaritan’s work is unsustainable and sends the wrong message. It teaches travelers to take dangerous roads, knowing that others will rescue them from self-destructive behaviors. This Samaritan also seems to think it right to redistribute money from those who are successful and give it to losers. That’s socialism! Meanwhile, if the rich man keeps his money, he can invest it and create jobs. So it’s an act of mercy for the rich man to hurry on and ignore the robbery victim.”

How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of Heaven,” Jesus mused to himself. “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter heaven.”

“Let me teach you about love, Jesus — tough love!” Pious Paul explained. “You need a sustainable pro-business model. And you need to give people freedom, Jesus, the freedom to suffer misery and poverty.”

“The Lord God has anointed me to bring good news to the poor,” Jesus replied, emphasizing the last two words. Then he turned to a paralyzed beggar at his feet. “Stand up!” Jesus told the man. “Pick up your mat and go home.” As the man danced about joyfully, Pious Paul rolled his eyes dismissively.

“Look, Jesus, you have rare talent, and it should be rewarded,” Pious Paul said. “I have a partner, The Donald, who would like to work with you: He’d set up a lovely hospital, and the rich would come and pay for you to heal them. You’d get a percentage, and it’d be a real money-spinner. Overhead would be minimal because every morning you could multiply some loaves and fishes. You could strike it rich!”

Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of God,” Jesus said. “But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received comfort.”

“Oh, come on, Jesus,” Pious Paul protested. “Don’t go socialist on me again. Please don’t encourage class warfare. The best way to help the needy is to give public money to the rich. That then inspires the poor to work harder, galvanizes the sick to become healthy, forces the lepers to solve their own problems rather than kick back and depend on others. That’s why any realistic health plan has to focus on providing less coverage for the poor, and big tax benefits for the rich. When millions of people lose health care, that’s when a country is great again!”

From everyone who has been given much,” Jesus told him, “much will be required.”

“Well, sure, this hospital would have a foundation to do some charity work. Maybe commissioning portraits of The Donald to hang in the entrance. But let’s drop this bleeding heart nonsense about health care as a human right, and see it as a financial opportunity to reward investors. In this partnership, 62 percent of the benefits would go to the top 0.6 percent — perfect for a health care plan.”

Jesus turned to Pious Paul on his left and said: “Be gone! For I was hungry and you gave me no food; I was thirsty, and you gave me no drink; and I was sick, and you did not help me.”

“But, Lord,” protested Pious Paul of Ryan, “when did I see you hungry or thirsty or sick and refuse to help you? I drop your name everywhere. And I’m pro-life!”

Truly, I say to you,” Jesus responded, “as you did not help the homeless, the sick — as you did not help the least of these, you did not help me.”


All Lies Matter

In the wake of the orange Menace’s accusation that the former black President tapped his phones and the resultant promises to “investigate” this obviously trumped up charge, this is an important read. If you want to understand something about racism in America. If not, nothing to see here.


A Rebuke of Political Illiterates

Let’s get rid of a few bits of dreck, for the sake of mental hygiene:

1) Women don’t answer to you, or to the government for having sex, and being forced to have a child is not a fit punishment for what you perceive as promiscuity. Leave other people’s genitals alone.

 2) If you are using phrases like “Confronting the culture to advance God’s kingdom,” you’re the American Taliban, a threat to the Republic, and a disgrace to Christianity. I am not only disinterested in your blather, I consider you a serious threat to a well-ordered, peaceful society. If you are pushing this nonsense onto children, you are a moral leper.

3) At this point in the “debate,” if you can’t cite SEVERAL peer-reviewed articles in legitimate scientific journals I’m not interested in your “contrarian” opinion about climate change. The science is as in as science ever is – catastrophic climate change is happening, we’re causing it, and it’s going to be a very serious problem, even if we do something about it. What we’re talking about now is whether it’s going to be catastrophic or apocalyptic. Go flatten your Earth or something.

4) Donald Trump is a dangerous, egomaniacal idiot, and his appointees range from incompetent to terrifying. If you are still supporting him at this point, you are no friend of the Republic.

5) It simply isn’t possible to cut taxes, increase spending and decrease the debt or restrain the deficit. This should be obvious to anyone who can handle simple addition and subtraction, but somehow the idea that slashing government revenues will lead to explosive economic growth WILL. NOT. DIE. Mostly because it casts a vaguely intellectual veneer over what is actually sheer selfishness.

6) Private charities are not sufficient to help the poor. If you think they are, look at any place on this planet that does not provide sufficient public assistance. There was a time when we believed that the proper way of helping the poor was private charity and religious works – read Dickens for a tour of that golden age.

7) Censorship is the refuge of the intellectually and culturally inferior. Only the weak fear being exposed to material they disapprove of. And claiming your prudishness and fragility is for the sake of the children is contemptible. Hiding behind kids because you can’t cope with modern life is despicable.

8) Again, and finally, leave other people’s genitals alone. Other people’s sex lives are none of your concern, and you don’t get to treat them like second-class citizens because you are “uncomfortable.” News flash – other people aren’t in the world to see to your comfort. If you can’t cope, if you can’t deal with people who are different from you, don’t blame others for your inability to adult.

9) The only reason we don’t have a functioning health-care system is that unlike every other advanced nation we believe in the “right” of rich douchebags to charge as much as, and more than, the market will bear. We believe in allowing insurance companies to build huge, bloated empires at the expense of the sick and desperate. And we believe that some people (namely, rich people) are more “deserving” of health care than others. It’s just plain, unvarnished, smells-like-what-it-is greed.


Give A Man A Fish…

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Steal the man’s pole, beat him senseless, and take all the fish … Hey, you’re a modern conservative! How do Trump-brand Republicans know when they’ve settled on the right formula? When it hurts the most people.

A percentage of the 20 million Americans who gained insurance under the A.C.A. will very likely lose it if the law is repealed. Even with the provisions in the proposed American Health Care Act, the “replace” part of the Republican approach, an estimated 10 million people would fall off the rolls.

Some of them will be glad to be free of the law’s yoke; many others, probably a vast majority, will be terrified by the idea of living without health insurance. As was the case before the passage of the A.C.A., many of the uninsured — the terrified and relieved alike — will end up using hospital emergency rooms for their health care needs, even if they can’t afford it. And when they use those emergency room services, everyone ends up sinking under the weight of astoundingly high costs for uninsured patients.

But drowning people in debt is okay. It’s making sure the government doesn’t do anything helpful that’s important.

Conservatives. Bastards. My dad was a conservative, but he wouldn’t have been welcome in this republican party.