Samantha Bee on Harvey Weinstein: The Penis PSA

Sam Bee has been the sharpest knife in the night-time comedy drawer for quite awhile, but doesn’t get the press her better-known colleagues receive. Male late night hosts have been curiously silent about the Weinstein story. These excerpts from her all-out assault on the sniveling Weinstein are worth putting in a time capsule. She dedicated most of her show Wednesday night to the story that broke Hollywood. The “Full Frontal” host went after Harvey Weinstein’s response to the reports that he’d sexually harassed women the better part of two decades.

“When the scandal broke, Weinstein made an apology-like statement in The New York Post, saying, ‘I have got to change, I’ve got to grow, I know a lot of people would like me to go into a facility.’ Oh my God, I’m so behind in the slang. Is a facility what people call hell? Oh, give me a break, White Cosby, nobody asked for your ‘all about mea culpa.’ Don’t blame the ’60s and ’70s for your shitty decision making. It’s serial sexual harassment, not a Monkees tattoo.”

Bee later took aim at all men, offering sage advice for anyone looking to avoid Weinstein’s current situation. Because of the growing list of sexual harassers, Bee released “Penis PSA” to let men know the dos and don’ts involving their penis:

So I have some business advice. Fellas, I’m a big comedy star slash Hollywood executive, and I’ve found that it’s quite easy not to masturbate in front of my employees. In fact, it’s one of the easiest things I don’t do. Every day, I wake up, get dressed, take the subway to work, and then don’t masturbate in front of anyone. Next time you get the urge to masturbate, just ask yourself, “Am I in front of an employee or a colleague?” And if the answer is yes, don’t. Just don’t.

And also, while I have you here: Men, I’m sorry to break this to you, but your dick is ugly. No one wants to see your dick in any context. Even the straightest, horniest woman who loves you the most is hoping you can get it inside her without her having to look at it. So definitely don’t show it to strangers. Don’t text pictures of it to people, and don’t whip it out at film festivals. Your dick is objectively the worst thing about you. If you want to send a lady a picture of something, try your nipple, or a pinkie toe, or a favorite mole!

Don’t masturbate in front of people who haven’t specifically asked you to. And even then, stop and ask yourself, “What is our power dynamic? Is there a chance in hell that this person might only be agreeing to see my hideous dick out of fear for their career?” If so, make a good business choice and keep your business in your pants. Good talk, guys!

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