Here’s the latest rundown on President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees in an easy-to-digest “cheat sheet” format. Print it out and keep it in your pocket for easy access during water cooler discussions of the coming Apocalypse.
Vice President End Times fanatic and LGBT hater who spends several hours a day figuring out how to get rid of Trump.
Commerce Secretary 80-year-old billionaire who was on duty during the Sago mine disaster that killed a dozen miners.
Secretary of Defense 4-star general who boasts that “it’s a helluva lot of fun to shoot some people” and whose core life principle is, “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.” Famous for massacring over 40 members of a wedding party in 2004.
National Security Adviser: Muslim-hating former 3-star general and conspiracy-theorist who has licked Putin’s boots and broken multiple Defense Department rules.
Treasury Secretary Billionaire Goldman Sachs guy dubbed “The Foreclosure King.”
Education Secretary Billionaire LGBT hater, public schools dismantler, pro-child-labor advocate, pyramid scheme grifter.
Health & Human Services Georgia congressman who will be in charge of moving health care from an insurance-based system to a bake sale-based system.
Transportation Secretary A billionaire crash-test dummy.
HUD Secretary “Sleepy.”
CIA Director: Kansas congressman who believes torture is patriotism, Muslims are scum, and every move you make should be monitored by The State.
U.N. Ambassador A woman of color whose parents—Ajit Singh Randhawa and Raj Kaur Randhawa—have funny names and weren’t even born here. This must be an error.
Attorney General Racist fuck and redneck sheriff wannabe.
Secretary of State Either a xenophobic, philandering, walking conflict-of-interest…
…or a philandering former 4-star general who shared top-secret war documents with his girlfriend
…or a guy who spent months blasting Trump as a “phony, a fraud” and said “If Trump had said 4 years ago the things he says today about the KKK, Muslims, Mexicans, and the disabled, I would NOT have accepted his endorsement.”
Chief Adviser #1 cheerleader and propaganda spreader for the American Nazi movement.
Chief of Staff Former RNC chair whose primary job will be to submit to daily wedgies by the roving gang of west-wing billionaires.